The dissection of Miley Cyrus

(Genaro Molina / Los Angeles Times)

Well, the inevitable has happened: 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has found herself in the middle of a heated debate over her budding sexuality. Apparently a “Vanity Fair” shoot with THE premier celebrity photographer Annie Lebowitz ended up with a nude Cyrus — save for the white satin sheet wrapped around her torso and the cherry lip stain on her pout.

Cyrus released this statement in apology:
“I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed,” Cyrus said. “I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.”

And “Vanity Fair” stands by Lebowitz, saying the Disney star’s “minders” were pleased with the “artistic” photos during the shoot.

This so-called scandal is pretty racy for a girl not old enough to drive. But this young girl also happens to be raking in a reported $1 billion for Disney by the end of the year, so it’s not surprising the media is all over this story — or non-story, depending on how sick you are of hearing about it — in attempts to figure out who to blame. Is it her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, for allowing his daughter to skyrocket to a dizzying degree of worldwide success in such a short time? Is it Miley herself, for forgetting some of her fans are stuffing “Hannah Montana” knapsacks and lunch boxes into their kindergarten cubby holes? Is it Lebowitz, for being the shutterbug who should’ve known better?

Or, well, is it us? For Googling, blogging and speculating about what the rules are for people with whom we have no personal connection? It’s hard enough being a teenager, and even though it’s sort of difficult to scrape up sympathy for someone who makes more money in a year than I will ever see in my lifetime, she is still just a kid.

And hey, look at what happened to kid stars like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears … apparently no one’s yet figured out how to raise a child in the spotlight. And what’s worse, those two were chewed up and spit out by a culture (US) that cared only just enough to chew on them. If “racy” photos didn’t whip us into a frenzy and cause us to buy more copies of “Vanity Fair,” maybe this whole thing wouldn’t be a scandal in the first place. Maybe we’d see it for the marketing ploy it is, whether it comes from “VF’s” camp or the Cyrus’.

Why not let her be a kid — and she is a kid — and make it a point not to completely turn on her if she slips up? It’s a novel idea.

Coldplay giving away song!

Coldplay is going the route of other culturally-savvy bands (Radiohead, for one) and offering a free download of the song “Violet 4:11″ from their upcoming CD, “Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends.” Download time begins from the Coldplay site at 12:15 p.m. Londontown time … which means 7:15 a.m. for us Eastern-timers. The single will be available for one week, and “Viva” drops June 12.

I can’t wait.

Which of Ryan Reynolds’ exes has a better CD?

If you’re any sort of gossip fiend, you know that actor Ryan Reynolds was once engaged to Alanis Morissette. He’s not anymore. Now Reynolds is dating starlet Scarlett Johansson. But this blog has nothing to do with Reynolds himself, because he’s actually not interesting and sort of talentless. It’s about his current love and ex-betrothed both releasing studio albums on May 20.

I was just sort of sitting here wondering if it’s any sort of contest. I mean, it’s Alanis Freakin’ Morissette, the girl I thought invented scorned anger the first time I heard “You Oughta Know” in the fifth grade. “Jagged Little Pill” was my first CD, and I remember memorizing breathless lyrics like “Does she go down on you in a theater?” loooong before I knew what the term meant. That song was supposedly about Dave Coulier, for God’s sake! How could a charmed 23-year-old like Scarlett ever compare?

When I first read that Ms. Scarlett is releasing “Anywhere I Lay My Head,” a collection of re-interpreted Tom Waits covers, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes a little bit. OF COURSE A HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS WOULD RELEASE AN ALBUM ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY FULL OF COVERS [only one song is original]!!!! It really drives me nuts that these Hollywood people can spew forth all sorts of merchandise (garbage) left and right just because they feel like it … but oh, well … I feel blessed it’s a CD and not a fashion line.

I just clicked on the “Listening Party” section of Johansson’s website, www.scarlettalbum.com, and gave “Anywhere” 25 minutes of my time. She told Spin’s David Marchese that her producer, Dave Sitek of TV on the Radio, suggested her album sound like a mix of too much cough syrup and Tinkerbell hallucinations.

That’s exactly what happens on this record. Ummm, mission accomplished?

But you know what? It’s not horrible. The track “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up” reminds me of that scene in “Lost in Translation” when Scarlett and Bill Murray are in that karaoke bar. If that song had started pumping through the speakers, it would’ve fit perfectly with those zebra-striped walls, not to mention that ridiculous pink wig. It’s very electro pop look-at-me-I’m-shopping-at-Urban-Outfitters. I dig it.

I also like “I Wish I Was in New Orleans,” even if it sounds like one of those background songs to a Volkswagen commercial where two middle-class people drive into a field to look at stars through the sunroof.

That’s about all I like. I do not enjoy the lead single, “Falling Down,” because I think Scarlett’s voice has too much echo and makes her sound like she’s dying at the bottom of a well somewhere. The song’s only redeeming quality is David Bowie. That man could record himself blowing his nose for three hours and I’d still listen to it.

Which now brings me to Alanis. I love Alanis. I really do. I love her oblong face, her spirally hair and I especially love the fact that she looks like someone who would make an excellent dive bar drinking companion. I bet she’d be totally cool about it if I accidentally spilled half a pint of Guinness on her.

With that being said, I also happen to love Imogen Heap of Frou Frou. Alanis enlisted Guy Sigsworth (who worked with Heap as electro duo Frou Frou) as a writer for her newest disc, “Flavors of Entanglement,” and the result is that zippy, pretty music I enjoy so much. I especially love the song “Moratorium,” because it’s beautiful and because, once again, Alanis lets all of us pissed off females out there know it’s okay to give a middle finger to relationships.

Alanis is counting down to a big tour, and her life is documented on a neat little Flash application on her Web site, www.alanis.com. Seeing photos of her dogs and her friends in places like Amsterdam and Geneva just sort of reinforce the idea I have of her being incredibly down-to-earth and fun to be around. ScarJo, on the other hand? I’d be scared of accidentally stepping on her Manolos and pissing her off.

So, in short, Scarlett’s album doesn’t totally suck. Okay. But Alanis’ albums never suck, and this new disc preserves the old, emotional style of hers we know and love while playing around with a new brand of niceness that’s refreshing after years and years of pissed off copycats.

Duh … Alanis wins. Did you think for a second I’d pick Scarlett?