Newness

I started this blog with intent to write about my conquests, because when I started this, I had many of them. Not all at once, but certainly enough people added up over time, becoming these embarrassing memories I somehow decided to share.

Drinking, sex, drinking, drugs, dating, rejection, fear, boredom, variety. That, unfortunately, has been what my life has amounted to in the past year and a half or so. I never thought I’d become this, and I constantly try to get back to where I started. I really like who I used to be.

But this post isn’t supposed to be depressing.

I intended to take time off. I promised myself I would. That lasted about a week. I’ve been seeing one person, Z, for a few weeks now. And so far, we’ve only kissed. We drink together and I tend to babble about how much I don’t want to screw things up with sex. How much I want us to eventually, after awhile, have sex while we’re both sober. I tell him about how much I like him, how much he makes me laugh and how smart I think he is. In a word, he’s awesome, one of the sweetest guys I could ever imagine meeting. Like, holds-the-door-open, pays-attention-to-my-stories and is-SO-kind-to-my-friends kind of sweet. He’s totally disarming. I feel really lucky.

So who knows if I will hold this together? I am probably too fucked up to sustain a relationship, but maybe I’m becoming more self-aware. Maybe I really did learn something from my last heartbreak. Maybe I’ll want to hold onto him, because he’s actually someone I could convince myself I deserve.

I just like the newness of him and the total surprise this whole thing has been. Most of all, I like how wonderful it feels to have someone drive so many miles so late at night just to lie down next to me.